Ever since I was a little girl I've had a method for dealing with the terror I feel about going to the dentist. When I get in the chair I go to what my family refers to as my Zen Place. I can't totally explain it, but I kind of float off into my own little world. I can still hear the voices of the dentist and his assistant, but they sound far away, and everything is soft and kinda fuzzy. I guess it's a form of self hypnosis. It's so effective that when I was 5 or 6 years old I actually fell asleep in the dentist's chair while having a few baby teeth pulled.
Today, I went to the dentist for a root canal and crown (Which set me back more money than I'd care to share with all of you people) and I decided that I didn't want to go to the Zen Place so that I could blog about it later. So, I didn't drift off into another plane of existence, but my brain wouldn't let me off completely. After I was numbed and the dentist started drilling I had this pop into my head:
I had to wonder, of all of the songs in my mental jukebox, why that one? Maybe it's the resemblance of Axl Rose's voice to the dental drill, or because it reminds me of a summer vacation spent in Huntington Beach where our frat boy neighbors smoked pot and played that song pretty close to 24/7 the entire week, or maybe it's just an amazing song. It did give me a little chuckle.
The worst part of the entire procedure wasn't the pain of the numbing shot (although I didn't enjoy that one little bit) or the sound of the drill; rather, it was having to keep my mouth open so wide for so long. This caused my jaw to ache something fierce, which you might think would be the reason it's the worst part, but this is neurotic me you're dealing with. It was the worst part because my lips and tongue got all dried out, causing me near panic. I don't quite understand it, but I am almost phobic about having dry lips, hands, and feet. I can't sleep without my Burt's Bees lip balm, Aveeno lotion for my hands, and my creamy petroleum jelly for my feet. This might explain the fact that although my mouth was completely numb, and I could therefore feel NONE of the drilling and prodding and pulling, my entire body was clenched. Clenching is NOT conducive to a wide open mouth and calm resolve, both of which I wanted during the procedure. The thing about clenching, though, is that
1. you don't realize you're doing it until fully clenched, and
2. it's really hard to open wide while clenching your butt cheeks. I can't explain that connection, but it's true.
When all was said and done the assistant told me I was tough which pleased me more than you know. I think you'd have to be Ed Lowe's kid to understand the magnitude of my feelings about this little compliment (The only thing that makes me happier than being told I'm tough is being told that I pack a vehicle effectively). I know that she probably says it to all the girls, but I'm taking it. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.
There are three things I appreciated about my dentist today:
1. he numbed me so well that I didn't feel any pain at all,
2. he didn't attempt to have a conversation with me while performing the procedure, and
3. he called me kiddo.
I loved that because the last time I was in his chair he told me that my mouth was falling apart and that started happening "at your age", which made me feel older than dirt. His referring to me as "kiddo" made me feel young and free and brightened my day right up until the moment I wrote that enormous check, when I cried a little.
I wish I could say that this little trip is going to be the last for awhile, but then I'd be lying to you. I hate to admit it, especially considering the fact that one of my readers is the wife of a dentist (so this is roughly equivalent to inviting Martha Stewart over to look through your linen closet), but I've been avoiding the dentist for a couple of years and now my mouth is falling apart. I need three more crowns and a couple of fillings like, yesterday and after that my doctor wants to start in on some other teeth that need some work. So, kids all I can say is: GO TO THE DENTIST!!
Added to that is the fact that my school district provides really really crappy dental insurance, so another song has been running through my mind of late:
So, if any of you know of a relatively quick way for me to make a few thousand bucks that will allow me to keep both my molars and my morals, let me know.
4 comments:
I hate the dentist. Hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em.
I couldn't even read this entire post because it made me squirm and my mouth water.
You are a brave, brave soul.
Hey, Maury, I can RElate! When my brother and I were little our dentist would never numb us before drilling...he'd say, 'this is just a little one, you won't feel it'. WRONG! But, we thought that's the way it was done, so we didn't complain. Somehow Mom found out and we never had to go through that again. But to this day I still do the clench the whole body routine. One piece of advice--ask for a bite block or pillow (whatever your dentist calls them). It props your mouth open and you can relax better. It has really helped me through countless crowns (yeah, you don't want to know...)And, Maury Sue! GO TO YOUR ZEN PLACE!!!!!!! I usually get the mental picture of Steve Martin doing the dentist bit in Little Shop of Horrors. Do you remember that? talk about bad mojo for the dentist's chair.
Bye kiddo! Try to enjoy your last 3 weeks of freedom!
I have a feeling of solidarity with you. I went to the dentist on Monday and was told that one of my teeth was pretty much going to crumble soon, apparently I either clench or grind my teeth at night and will be having a root canal and cap next Tuesday. Oh and there is more to be done he said. Also they want me to get a custom mouth guard to wear at night of which my insurance will pay nothing!! It will be $275.
Oh Jennifer, I laugh in derision at your paltry $275. Add about $500 to that and you have the check I wrote.
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