J: "Give me that."
Me: "Why?"
J: "Cause I'm pretty!"
Or
Me: "Why should I come down in the middle of the night and pick you up from a bar 'cause you're too drunk to drive home?"
J: "Cause I'm pretty!"
She tried time and time again to get me to add this to my own lexicon. I attempted a couple of times, but I just couldn't say it.
I've always had an uneasy relationship with my physical features. When I look in the mirror my thoughts range anywhere from "How you doin?" to "Oh my goodness, I need to call in ugly to work." AAAAAND because I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror (it's an illness) I sometimes think these disparate thoughts within the same hour. I know, I know, I need help.
What I'm saying is, I've never felt comfortable referring to myself as anything more than "cute", and even that's a difficulty, as I always expect the person I'm talking to to break into hysterical laughter.
Cute's the most any boy I've ever thought I loved has ever attributed to me, and I know, cute aint bad. It's pretty good, in fact. I guess my overachiever nature just wants to wake up one morning (without having to work out or stop eating Cool Ranch Doritos) and look like Lauren Graham.
Or Angelina Jolie.
And it just never ever happens. It doesn't help that I've gained 40 lbs in the past three years, or that I'm always tired and stressed out beyond belief. These things just don't improve a girl's looks, surprisingly.
The thing is, I have a few students this year who sincerely think that I'm pretty hot. Not in a creepy way. Really. Don't report me to the police.
I teach a cute girl, "M" who is model thin and gorgeous. She's also smart as a whip and just a joy to teach. I love her to bits and pieces. Last week, as I was checking her Lord of the Flies notes she said,
"I just think you're amazing and beautiful. Your hair. It's I just don't know. I mean I look at those models in the catalogues and think you look better than them. I mean it."
I didn't know what to say to that. I blushed madly, struggled to hold back tears and said something like, "Ummmm thanks. I appreciate that."
I also have a male student who often tells me something along the lines of "You're looking especially gorgeous and voluptuous today"
And it's all I can do to not say, "Are you calling me fat?"
Even with that, I've got to say that sad as it is for a 34 year old woman to get validation from high school students, these comments have really helped me. They make me think that maybe I am, perhaps, a little tiny bit pretty.
And as far as the whole modeling thing goes, I have to remember the wise drunken words of my friend's mom one New Years Eve to me and my chubby friends,
"Girls never become a model! It's a turrible life."
7 comments:
2 things:
1. I am really starting to wonder that we may be living some split-twin identity. (40lbs/3years wha?)
2. Our only difference may be the fact that I have no problem proclaiming beauty as the reason people should do my bidding.
Beauty does not come in only one shape, one size, one color, one style. Personally, I envy your hair and I can't tell you how many hours in my life I've spent trying to get MY hair curly like a Titian painting or a pre-Raphaelite fantasia of luxurious locks. The closest I've come to luxurious locks is when it's been on cream cheese on a bagel, but if we're talking hair, the best I've been able to do is achieve these tortured curling-iron productions that wilted like they needed hair Viagra as soon as it got even slightly humid.
And just to salute everyone whose body doesn't look like a Q-tip with hair on it:
******************
Homage to My Hips
by Lucille Clifton
these hips are big hips
they need space to
move around in.
they don't fit into little
petty places. these hips
are free hips.
they don't like to be held back.
these hips have never been enslaved,
they go where they want to go
they do what they want to do.
these hips are mighty hips.
these hips are magic hips.
i have known them
to put a spell on a man and
spin him like a top!
***************************
So there. ;-)
Here you are! I am beyond pleased to have stumbled upon you! And read your beautiful, hilarious life-doings! It has been good for my heart. I love you very much.
Jaci
JACI! JACI! JACI! I'm so much more than absolutely thrilled to hear from you! I love you my friend!!!!
Maury, aren't you the girl that had a random guy stop you in the BYU library just to tell you he thought you were beautiful? Plus, you can actually carry on an intelligent conversation!
JACI!!! I sent you my blog info on Melissa's blog. It's amazing to hear from you again!
Maury, you're freakin' gorgeous. And Molly is right: I remember when that guy stopped you in the library.
And I love that excuse!!! I think it's great and you should use it on a regular basis.
ohmygosh. How happy are we that Jaci is here?!?!?!?!??! You should feel beautiful. You have so many friends who love you and wouldn't change a thing about you for anything!
It's a cyber reunion! This is wild! It's so much instant gratification that I have a stupid grin on my face even though I do believe breakfast food or worse was just ground into the carpet (which was just cleaned last week after Toddler grew just enough to reach an ENTIRE STICK OF BUTTER off the counter.) I will check back in. I registered a blog once but it has one post. My feeble 34 year old brain may not recall the password. I think if I could cyberhang with yous I might need to do it. Off to Molly's!
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