As my students take their semester 1 finals I check my email. Advertisement, advertisement, email from Mom, Facebook friend request.
From Him.
A boy I loved at 18.
A boy who hurt me.
A boy I'd washed my hands of, but here he is, begging me to add him as a friend.
"Let's catch up!" he says. Catch up on what? How I've managed to go on living without you telling me how to do every little thing? On the "good times"?
"Please, please, please add me!" he begs. Over 15 years have passed and yet, I still feel the tug to capitulate. I am such a pleaser, and he seems to remember that. How can it be that I still care what this person thinks of me? Never mind the fact that he was emotionally abusive; I feel the need to make him happy once again.
and the kicker:
"I finally found you!" Here's the master stroke. The winning line. He's been searching for me, you see. I have been on his mind. Suddenly I'm 18 again and here's this boy who NEEDS me.
What can it hurt? It doesn't mean anything. I mean, look at all of the other people I've added. I comfort myself that he's unhappy and looking for old friends, that I'm in a much better place than him.
I add him as a friend. My stomach roils.
I look at his profile. Married. Three kids.
It hurts just to see his face.
Why did I do this? Does it mean I'm weak that he can hurt me just by existing? Would it be a sign of weakness to remove him now that I've added him?
Suddenly, I'm back in Melissa's truck parked next to him at a red light pretending to laugh so that I don't cry.
What do I do if he sends me a message? What if he wants to apologize? What does he want from me?
I don't care if it means I'm weak. I remove him from my list of "friends". As meaningless as that word has become I can't have him there.
My stomach settles.
Back to the finals.
11 comments:
I wish Facebook had an "F-you" option rather than the simple, "No Thanks" response to invitations.
Amen to Jillian.
Also, I am SO proud of you Maurs. way to stand up to your Jasper the Rat King. You took a stand for yourself and said "I am a better person when you are not in my life. F you."
SO proud of you! Lots of love!
Go Maury Sue! I agree with the others...there needs to be a F You option.
Now get back to learnin them youngins'!!
:)
Thanks friends! I needed that today.
Good choice maursupial. Facebook can be very weird sometimes with the people that want to be friends. You know I had a similar experience. i love that you had the guts to take him off when it didn't feel right and was bringing up old ghosts. RIP I say... RIP
Love you
As I read this post, my blood began to boil. "It's Rat Boy." Grrrrrr...
I'm so glad you deleted his a**.
So, when do we start cyberstalking Matt Workman?
Melissa:
Start? I've been doing it for years. :) Just kidding..... or am I?
I don't bother with facebook or myspace. It is so irritating having to sign in and out just to say hi to someone. I keep my blogs on blogger...
but anyway, as to what you were saying...
right move ~ haha!
To the Anonymous Student commenter:
I want you to know that I deleted your comment, not because I'm angry about it, but because you used my first and last name in it. I try not to do that as a rule, so if you comment again, please don't. Also: I think you've missed the fact that I'm pretty sarcastic on this site. I'm not depressed and certainly don't feel I lead a depressing life. Realize that this blog is a place to laugh at the silliness of life and myself. I exaggerate for effect and often talk about the hard things so that I can deal with them and move on. This blog is no more a complete picture of my life than is my behavior in class. Don't worry. Thanks!!
Way to go! I heartily approve of your deletion! You rock!
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